Individual members are supported in their individual interests by the group. Members may only be friends with each other and are discouraged from bringing new members into the group – unless the new person adds to the groups “coolness” factor Members are encouraged to have other friends too and to introduce new members into the group People who are drawn together by the need to be special and popular. People who are drawn together by a mutual interest or value system What are the essential differences between a healthy friend group that clicks and the group that is a clique? Take a look at this comparison: I never realized how much pressure it was to be in with my clique.” My boyfriend and his friends are really funny and laid back. “But I finally figured out that I have a right to be myself, not just what the group wants me to be. “I went home crying for weeks, ” she says. She wasn’t prepared for the insults that came with asserting herself. She was already getting impatient with the conformity required of her clique but she thought they liked her enough to be happy for her new relationship. Sam has had to rethink all of her ideas about who her real friends are. If it weren’t for my boyfriend, I’d have nobody.” Cliques Continued… I’m a senior and and everyone’s got their friends. I thought those girls were my friends but I just have to get away from them now. He’s really, really sweet and they just rode him and me. But the group isn’t even interested in knowing what he’s like. “The relationship with my boyfriend is something special. “The last couple of months has been wonderful and awful,” says Sam. Life changed for Sam when she fell for a guy the group decided wasn’t “cool.” Paired up in biology lab, the two found that they liked the same music and had the same cynical humor. By picking on or bullying others who look different, who like different things, or have different values, the clique maintains their exclusivity and the illusion of their superiority. (Working retail is cool waitressing definitely is not.) This is the stuff that makes for mean girls or mean guys. They’re known for making critical comments about other people’s dress, hair styles, or even their jobs. They sit together in the lunchroom and hang out together in the halls. They all have the same “look,” a kind of studied casualness: name-brand jeans, sleek tops, cropped jackets. For the past two years, she’s hung out with the most popular girls in school. Sam is a girl who is used to being one of the popular kids. They do everything together and have no tolerance for any member branching out to friends outside the group. Members of the group rely on exclusivity and very strict internal codes to establish and maintain the idea that they are something special. Leaders of such groups often are charismatic and controlling. Instead, they are organized around power and popularity. These groups aren’t brought together by a genuine interest in each other. CliquesĬliques aren’t necessarily made up of people who click. They don’t need to cling together to feel okay but they are really glad that they have a place where they can be totally themselves. “If we were all doing the same thing all the time, we wouldn’t have as much to talk about.” This group is open to new experiences and new people. They’re the people I look for when I’m having a crisis.” But the friends in my group are the people who know me best. “The best part of my group,” says Ari, “is that I don’t have to feel like I’m being disloyal if I want to spend time with my theater buddies or if I want to bring someone along if we’re meeting up after school. But in the school halls, they like to touch base with each other. They like the friends they meet at their other activities too. Three of the girls spend lots of time at the dance studio. Ariel and one of the other girls joined a local theater group. Hanging out at school expanded into hanging out after school and on weekends. Ariel has been part of the same friend group since third grade when she and four others were assigned a special project.
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